“To every life some rain must fall,” I don’t know who actually said that statement first, but my mum often repeated those words. She always said, “Sometimes the rain comes in one great flood, other times it comes and goes, always leaving us wiser for the experience.” “You might be saying right now, yea some rain is ok but why the darn flood!”

If you are lucky enough to live to be a ripe old age, then you can be assured that illness will touch your life in one way or another, yet the real question is, “How will you deal with it when it comes?” Believe it or not but its normal to find yourself asking, “Why me?” and its normal to get angry, its normal not to be able to cope, and its normal to be scared to death.

The big question is however, will you allow any of the above to paralyze your life and stop you from living?Sometimes the illness that provokes you to grow the most is not your own, but rather the illness of a loved one, family or friend. Just yesterday I sat scanning in some old photos into my computer of friends, having reached the mid years of my life, sometimes especially at times like Easter and Christmas, I tend to become a little reflective, not in a bad way, but more in a sense of appreciation of who I am today and how I managed to become the person I am today, having experienced all the ups and downs that have come my way. This year however, this Easter has been a little different. I found as I scanned pictures into the file, that I it was a time of saying goodbye, no I am not ill, or even sick for a change, thankfully. Although as I looked at the old photographs, I was suddenly shocked to realize how many of the friends whose pictures I was saving for posterity, are no longer with me, or, who are now gravely ill. It was quite a sobering realization that only a handful are in good health, and thriving upon life.  We have all herd that saying that there are only two things you can be sure of in life that is Death and Taxes, well just like birth, death is something that touches us all at some time in our daily life, so why do we find it such a alien experience?   

Our families cry with joy when we are born and cry with sadness when we leave.   I am in my early 50’s and in the last 10 years I have been support and comfort to so many of my friends who I have to acknowledge have all been younger than myself, who have passed over through cancer mainly.   Gail, Michael, Alana, Podge, Hans, Derik, are a few of my dear friends I have seen pass over in the last few years.  And still I wonder sometimes why fate sees fit to take one person and not another – the Russian roulette of cancer – you just never know who it will hit next. Death is not always by Cancer, in today’s world it can be murder, as in Michael’s case, or drowning as in Derik’s death, it can be old age, it can be car accidents, and it can be sudden, unexpected and violent. Or it can be expected and peaceful, its something we all pray for but few are lucky enough to experience. 

Impatience, intolerance, anger, frustration, depression, regression, anxiety and recklessness, are all things you may witness in the lives of someone who is suffering from chronic illness. Moods change in a flash, love becomes attack, and attack becomes love, all facets of life in the day of someone facing circumstances beyond their control. Sometimes it’s the medications that bring on sudden mood swings, other times it’s just the simple mechanisms of the emotional upheaval of being confronted with ones own morbidity. It’s the healer’s role to simply be “the solid anchor in the storm.”  How can we give the best possible support in times of crisis?It does help if you understand that the often irrational behavior of the people involved is in fact not about you, its not about whether someone likes you or not, its not about how much we smother the one who is in distress, its about being a solid clear anchor, to give your family and friends something solid to hold onto while they work through their issues. So how can we help, how can we give support and love when often our love is rejected, or we become the focus of attack? The main resource we have within us is compassion, and tolerance beyond that the essential ingredient is “don’t take it personally.” It’s true that people generally strike out at the one they love when they are scared, ill or just plain unhappy. That is a fact of life I am afraid. The way to negotiate this passage is to stay out of your emotions, just don’t emotionally buy in, feeling guilty about what’s happening to someone close to you is unhealthy, very unhealthy for everyone involved. There is an old saying, “If you’re into guilt your playing God,” and that is also true, guilt never fixed anything, all it does is eat away at the very fabric of your being.So how can you stay out of the emotions? It’s hard to see someone we love hurting, its natural to want to protect them and make things better.  It’s even more difficult if that someone is saying hurtful things, or behaving irrationally not to show emotional reactions, and at the end of the day. 

We are all human; we all look to that security of being linked firmly to another human being. Knowing in your heart what the truth of the situation is for one thing helps, and what I have always found is that to love someone else more than yourself, to give support unconditionally to the one in need is the one very thing that builds a firm anchor for the one in crisis to bounce around and then anchor back too when they are ready. Its sometimes like standing still in the centre of a hurricane and not blinking, just be still, stay strong, stay understanding, and provide the energy that is love. What ever you do don’t get angry back at the person, walk away cool down, take a deep breath and bring things back into perspective.In any caring situation it’s essential to know and be clear on what your personal boundaries are, by this I mean don’t over do things, make sure you take care of yourself in the process of taking care of the person who is ill. So many times I have seen the carer become the one who ends up seriously ill from the stress of the situation. 

Good intentions often lead to overdoing things, so know what you can do and when to say enough. Have regular respite periods yourself, go for a walk, take time out for a coffee with friends, and take care of yourself. There are many positive ways of dealing with your own frustration and emotions, the anger of feeling helpless.  Cleaning the house, digging in the garden, chopping wood, or another way is to get an old phone book, and cut a piece of hose pipe 2 ft long of your garden hose, go into the garage close the door, sit on the floor and then beat the hell out of the phone book. Give yourself permission to get angry, and process that anger in a positive way; just let it all out on the phone book. Start hitting the phone book slowly and think about the issues at hand, then just keep hitting it, you will end up with a terrible mess but you will walk away feeling exhausted but lighter for the experience.  Don’t bottle up those emotions, feel them, transmute them, don’t drown in them. So back to my topic of dealing with illness; I am one of those odd people, you know those who are strongest for those who cant be, one who puts themselves aside to help where ever I can, in some ways a champion of those in need, so I have been told. I think nothing of diving in, helping anyone who needs a hand, and although there are dozens of people out there like me, the amazing thing is that not everyone can deal with illness.  Where some rise to the challenge others just can’t deal with the emotional upheaval which accompanies pain and suffering.  Quite simply there are times when someone gets ill that those who love them, their families will simply not know how to deal with the situation. Their fear of abandonment creates anger and often subconsciously in order to try to protect them selves push the person who is ill away, or blame them, saying inappropriate things such as, “you’re brought this on yourself,”  Some people go into denial, they may just pretend its not happening, or avoid the situation all together. It’s so important that in order for the person who is ill to recover, that families don’t start a war over who does what, or, issues of right and wrong. Its simple plain truth some people don’t cope and don’t know how to deal with the emotions associated with illness, death and dying. I suppose what I am trying to say here is, just because you are coping doesn’t mean everyone else can. 

It is so important to respect the process each family member goes through.  Just because someone can’t cope, doesn’t mean they love the person who is ill any less.  Sometimes people love so deeply that to see the person they love going through the anguish of ill health they do bizarre things, like increase work hours, using work as an excuse not to be at home. I have realized over the years that in order to deal with illness you must be prepared to go deep, deep into your own emotions, deep into your own psyche, deep inside the realms of spirit, and not everyone wants to go there. Not everyone is strong enough to swim the English Channel, and not everyone is strong enough to hold your hand while you die, or while you heal.Acceptance of people is so important during times of illness, by letting people find their place in the chaos of the emotions is so important for everyone, don’t expect people to do what they don’t know how to do, and with any luck they will surprise you by stepping up to the mark in their own time.If you are ill, my suggestion is don’t expect those who love you to have the strength you are going to need to get through, seek out people who can give you the support you need. 

Every community has people like me, we are there waiting in the wings, waiting to hold out a hand, give a hug and cup of tea, to listen and sometimes a little wisdom of how to deal with things. Blame, guilt, anger are all wasted emotions, after all they are not going to help make anyone better, they are only going to tare the fabric of your life apart even further if your not careful.Grief is not something that comes after someone dies, often the grief is more devastating while the person is ill, and undergoing treatment for illness. And not every illness ends in death, thankfully. However, relationships that may well have been healed in the process of healing the illness sometimes die instead. The primary cause, terminal lack of compassion and understanding, terminal expectations of others, and terminal lack of courage, the greatest gift you can ever give other members of your family is to let them find their own position in the process. Remember, not everyone has courage and some simply love too much.What do you say when someone dies?  That moment of hearing of death can seem like an eternity of uncomfortable seconds, what should you say? “I’m so sorry? But why are you sorry? If someone has been suffering terribly through the associated ravages of disease, should we be sorry for them stepping out of suffering? Families certainly don’t want to hear the cliché of, “Well they are not suffering any more,” either. So how do you negotiate that precarious moment and still be the strength for those around you?

Today the mother of a dear friend of mine passed away, and this is what has prompted me to write this article.  “Irene, where ever you are, you made my life just that little brighter for knowing you.” And I have no doubt that there are dozens of people who would feel the same. At 89 finally after a short illness her body could hold on to this life no more.  A woman of incredible attitude to life, she always lived with the attitude, “every day is a bonus,” and her sharp whit and straight forward way of talking always left you smiling. But what do you say to her family? What can be said? In plain simple truth sometimes it better to say less than more, or to just be there, with a hug and a cup of tea. Why is it we are uncomfortable with death, when it’s probably the only thing we all can guarantee will happen to us in our lives?Our awkwardness often leads to saying stupid things trying to fill the space of our discomfort with empty statements that still leave us feeling stupid.  The person grieving does not hear our words, their hearts breaking with the grief, their energy taken in a journey to revisit every laugh, every argument, every memory, and the words often lost in a sea of internal thoughts.  Grief can turn long time friends into enemies, friends into lovers, restore families that have not spoken for years, or tear families apart. 

The key to keeping lives on an even keel is do not take things personally.  Realise that simple fact that when people are hurting they often lash out.  The most profound thing someone can do for another person when someone dies is to listen, to hold them, to just be there, to give comfort and to resist having to fill the air with words.   Just be there ~ Many Blessings.   Lesley Williams TRUITY